


Alive

by TheonSugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, this is set early in Aaron's relationship with Robert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 10:25:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheonSugden/pseuds/TheonSugden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron visits Jackson's grave and thinks about what he's lost, and what he may still find.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alive

Jackson’s grave was kept tidy and neat, much like Jackson himself had been. Aaron wasn’t sure who’d kept the plot in good shape - probably Paddy, or Bob, or maybe nature took pity on a man it had fucked over so harshly. He knew in the end the who didn’t matter.

As he ran his hand over the marble top, he thought of the last time he’d been here, before he’d gone on the run for Adam. For himself, really. He couldn’t stay in this place. He knew if it wasn’t for Adam he’d never have set foot in this village again.

The garage and mam and the pub and the farm and the garage and Paddy and the farm and the pub…it just about drained the life out of him. The last time he’d lived here, it had taken everything he’d had not to punch every brick wall he could find. 

He was calmer now, but some days he still woke up wanting to board the nearest bus. 

Fresh blades of grass crushed into his boots as he knelt to trace his fingers along Jackson’s name.

"Shoulda been me, mate," he whispered, letting his head rest against the cool slab.

What he didn’t say was that for the first time since the day Jackson…the day Jackson was gone, he was glad it hadn’t been him.

He’d been a zombie for such a long time - probably since the day his stepmum from hell had a baby and he felt like his dad was about to chuck him away with yesterday’s bad leftovers. He’d accepted that, learned to live with it. With not really being alive. He went to work, fixed cars, let Chas and Paddy fuss over him, pitched in at the farm, tried to help Adam.

Not really a life, but he was still breathing for some reason he couldn’t figure out, so he was just doing what he could while he still could.

A slamming car door and a familiar laugh rung in his ears. He glanced over at one of the many small office buildings to see Robert holding Chrissy’s waist, whispering in her ear, making her blush.

Robert hadn’t seen him. If he had he’d probably walk over to kick some dirt in Aaron's direction.

He tried to ignore the ache in his gut that Robert’s hands weren’t around his waist. He felt guilty enough about that even when he wasn’t here of all places.

"Yeah…that’s him," Aaron said to the grave, or to what was left of the man whose body was in the grave. He wasn’t sure if he hoped Jackson heard him, or would never hear him. "Just my type, right?"

Robert made him feel alive again. Robert touching him and kissing him, hard and fast and yet somehow still soft. Robert staring at him like he was the only person in the world. Robert holding his hands over his head, keeping him in place. Reminding him that he even had a place in this world.

He could have been with a doctor or a social worker or the town saint…that would’ve been good and right. What Jackson would have wanted. What Jackson had deserved for himself. 

Instead he wanted a closet case who barely had a good word for him when he wasn’t naked and begging.

But he knew Robert was more than that…he had to be…

He also knew this was the wrong place to feel the way he felt right now.

"I love you, Jackson," he muttered, wiping his eyes with his palms. "Wish I’d told you that more."

As he walked over to the pub, Robert locked eyes with him, a mix of scared and sure, like always.

"Pint’s on me," Chrissy interjected. "I swear you’ve made that car sing."

"Nah, I’m good," he replied, looking down at his trainers. 

Before he walked off he gave Robert one last, longing stare.

"But you take good care of it for me, alright?"


End file.
